Ten Guys Named Fernando

A long time ago in the magical kingdom of Ann Arbor there was a softball crazed city. Everybody played or, if they didn't, they knew folks who played and they watched. Because of the era in which this occurred, there were some outstanding and creative names for many of the teams. There were the Aura Space Cadets (a good team who would do an amazing, choreographed salute to their opponents after the game),  The Flaming A's (whose sexual orientation belied their prowess on the field), the Tree Frogs, the Bozos, the K-Mart Indians, and my favorite, Ten Guys Named Roy. All of their players had "Roy" emblazened across the back of their jerseys. I don't remember if they were good or not, but I sure remember their name. Why I bring this up is, in the last few days, everybody I've met down here has been named Fernando. A guy at the Winn-Dixie I see regularly - his name is Fernando. A guy I see every day at the Cuban coffee joint - his name, I recently learned is Fernando. A guy I see almost every day on my walk at Smather's Beach - I know him as Fernando. He's a runner. I'm a walker, but we've become friendly. I've dedicated my resolution for the New Year to finding 7 more guys named Fernando. That will be ten. If I find a deal on shirts, I'm going to get them lettered up and distributed. Ten Guys Named Fernando!
P.S. If you're home on New Year's Eve look for Sushi (the Queen of the drag queens) to ride the drop of the red slipper at midnight from the Bourbon Street Pub. It's been covered by CNN for 9 years and I'll be there for coverage, too. Sushi apparently has a thing for Anderson Cooper that's pretty funny.

The Party

I don't know where to start. Maybe with the fact I was the only attendee without a Santa hat and elf shoes. Also, I was among only a handful of people who didn't need a walker although there was only one person actually with a walker and only two people on oxygen. So, here's the mix; elf shoes, walkers, and folks wearing those wrap around sunglasses (at night). Man, no one could walk straight. Throw in the fact that Santa (really, Phil, I recognized him in spite of the outfit) was tipsy and impairment was the norm. It was a good thing it was a neighborhood party so no one had to drive home. After singing his own version of the "12 Days of Christmas" Phil had to be helped to a chair by two of his children. One neighbor kept asking me about Jed, a rather famous dog who previously resided at my house. I was able to talk about the folks who lived here because I talk to them regularly, but unfortunately, I couldn't answer any questions about their dog. That ended that conversation. A guy went on for quite a while about how stupid hogfish are. After about 15 minutes of that, I realized they're not as stupid as I am for listening to the guy for that long. One of Santa's helpers had a group of fellows believing she wasn't wearing underwear. That was fun, if not exactly enticing. Food - good. Drinks - plentiful. Good looking women - not so much. I met the rich guy and his wife. She was nice. His best years are behind him, like most of us at this party. Age notwithstanding, it appeared a good time was had by all. Merry Christmas and thanks for reading.

Absolutes? I'm Against Them...Now

I know what people say. They say that old people (like me) are set in their ways and can't change. I have recently realized this to be wrong. I embrace the differences in people, generally and, in particular, among my friends. Would I ever have given the time of day to a Republican? Not the old me, but now I count several Republicans among the group of folks who are my true friends. Religion? I'm not a believer, but many of my friends are. I don't look at this as a divisive thing. I'm glad to know them and hope they pray for me, you know, just in case. Business majors? Well my son is one and I love him. Which brings me to the big one... people who talk in movies. Hard to like right? Wrong! I went to a movie with someone who yelled out, at just the wrong time, "That's him. That's the f*****." I was even more smitten. No more absolutes for me, man. If the right person talks in the movie, it can be informative and hilarious!  No more them and us - especially talkers vs. silencers. A very valuable lesson!

Christmas Eve Party at Joanie and Phil's

Well, I got my invitation yesterday. Joanie and Phil, my neighbors, have been throwing a Christmas Eve Party for "over 40 years," according to Phil. He said the tradition started when they lived in Baltimore and has continued since they moved here to Key West 30 years ago. The party is actually an open house and nearly everyone in what we call the neighborhood comes Joanie said. Here's a list of expected attendees - some of whom I've met and some of whom I have not yet met: Joanie's kids, Patty, Bonnie, Skip, and the 4th one whose name I forget; Sunshine, who just moved in a week ago; Fred and Jean, my neighbors on the other side (seeing Fred drive his Lincoln at age 90 makes me go sit in the boat on the canal until he clears the area); Reese Palley (Google that name for fun) who everyone has been expecting to get here in Key West and who finally arrived last week; Chuck and his lovely girlfriend who live across the canal from me but who I have not yet met; and Joe and Betty who live down the street and to whom I always wave but, again, have not actually met. Conspicuous by their absence will be Capt. Jerry who owns the Yankee Clipper - the boat that goes to the Dry Tortugas daily. He fell and broke his hip and  is out of commission, per Joanie. My squeeze (let's just call her, Baby) was forced to fly on very little notice to the Dominican Republic because of a family emergency and probably won't return to Key West until after the new year. Of course I'll be reporting on this group after the party. I'll be providing all the details, who was drunk, who hit on who, and who Bogarted the champagne. What I won't be able to report on is a memorable first Christmas Eve with the special, beautiful woman I wanted to spend it with.

I'm Not saying I Invented Eggs Benedict or Something

There have been doubts lately in some circles about my ability to follow the instructions in a recipe regarding plantain preparation. With that in mind and following the steps referenced in an internet recipe, I created a dish, fashioned after Elvis, which called for baking a plantain and peanut butter delicacy. You can only just imagine the response from 2 so-called plantain experts... I thought the recipe was easy and good. I think these plantain purists are a bit of a pain.

The Great Cupcake Caper

Whether it was the wine, the proximity to a wedding party's cake (surrounded by cupcakes), or the festive spirit of the holiday season, a group of four diverse people hatched a plan during dinner the other night that was intent upon acquiring at least one of the oh-so-close cupcakes belonging to the other table's wedding party. Ideas were offered and then rejected. The group's mastermind and noted dessert freak said at least 10 times, "I'm just going to reach over and take one. They won't care. They're not even looking." This reporter offered to create a distraction on the other side of the room in order to aid the implementation of the above idea. Both women in the group reasoned that out-and-out theft was not the way to go. As the wedding party wrapped things up and the cakes were  being distributed to the guests, our mastermind decided that schmoozing the groom might be a good bet. That didn't work. The mastermind's partner then, after cautioning again about legal ramifications, decided to vacate the table in anticipation of trouble. Hope was fading. Your correspondent, who has observed the mastermind's success over the years, was actually watching the numbers(odds of success) drop. Where once it was 90% likely we would score a cupcake, it was now 10% or less as chairs were being pushed in and hugs were exchanged. The happy ending occurred when a ballsy chica with a particularly husky voice yelled to the bride with her cute accent, "Hey, baby, could we have just one?" Bingo! We divided the cupcake four ways as we offered our good wishes to the young couple from Rhode Island. What great fun.

Heads Are Going to Roll

I just learned some knucklehead in H.R. issued an inadvertent pink slip to the most valuable of our team here at M.A.I.K.W, our I.T. guru, Jenny. When contacted personally, she graciously returned with a complete sense of understanding about how mistakes sometimes occur. Meanwhile when I identify that someone over at H.R. a head is going to roll. Count on it, Jenny, and welcome back!

The Cleanup

In anticipation of my good friends, Larry and Judy (parents of my ex-I.T. whiz, Jenny), arriving on Sunday, I requested a free estimate on maid service - one time only. After the estimator began pointing out the very serious issues I have and the corresponding dear price that goes with them, I passed on the service. I have dedicated a whole day to house cleaning activities. The estimator, who I know, suggested, "Get off your ass, and stop reading books!" She said it with an accent and it sounded real cute. I hope I remember what skills I had. First step - do the November dishes.

"I Love Lucy"

Imagine the "I Love Lucy" episodes only the ethnicities are switched. A white guy is Desi and the chica is Lucy. No problem! It's easy for me because I'm living an "I Love Lucy" episode, "Oh chihuahua." In the 2010 version Lucy is great and funny and likely to do something Lucy would do. Me, playing Desi, I'm a model citizen, almost a Republican. I'm ready to complain about President Obama.  Lucy left her car running for 8 hours the other day because she "forgot." Apparently, it's not the first time. I have to acknowledge 2 really big faux-pax. #1 I asked Lucy her age and said I would give her mine. BIG MISTAKE. She now knows I'm 64 (after a few lies) and I have no idea of her age. (I do know I'm the age of her mother, bless her heart). Maybe I'll find out on Friday, her birthday, and we're going to do the town.  #2 I said, "Baby, you could be lucky #4." when throwing in a line, meant to be funny, about the fact I've been married a few times before. Her response? She laughed so hard wine came out of her nose. Obviously not the reaction I was looking for. A smile, a giggle - not hysterical laughter. I'll tell you something, I think I've got an idea for a sitcom.

Geography of Bliss

I heard an interesting interview with the author of a new book with the title, "The Geography of Bliss," (Eric Weiner). The idea was he travelled all over the world trying to quantify where the happiest people reside in terms of their own evaluation of whether they were happy or not. Iceland reported the best stats and was followed by the Dutch and the Swiss. Of course the obvious next step is to attempt a measurement of one's own sense of happiness. For a moody guy, I always felt that I was "happy enough" - usually not too high or too low but, you know, happy enough. My relocation to Key West, much more than a geographical change for sure, has probably doubled my sense of how happy I am. A lot goes into that reassessment. I definitely miss my friends, routines, and old haunts. I miss seeing Ben on a regular basis, but with phone calls, emails, and this blog I've basically stayed in contact with folks. I actually have a lot more to talk about with everybody than I did, if only because there have been new experiences and discoveries. I didn't need to hear this interview to know that but it's reassuring to hear an author use a 1-10 scale to rate happiness. Anyhow, the next step is to consider making the move to Key West a permanent one. So far, thinking about it makes me happy! 

West End of Smathers Beach

100 Miles From Home

The day started early and ended late in Key West. At 7:45 pm I was parked in the handicap zone on the ground floor garage of a 14 story apartment building in Miami  (although it could have been Hialeah, Fort Lauderdale, or Miami Lakes because I'd been there too) listening to experts debate the seriousness of the North Korean threat to world peace. I had four live lobsters in the car trunk. I smelled of six different kinds of mens' fragrances. I woke at 8:30 pm and listened to a Keith Jarrett CD. How I got there and what happened to the $200. in my wallet is a story for another  time.

Top 5 Thanksgivings

1. (should have looked it up) O.J. Simpson of the Buffalo Bills breaks the single game rushing record against the Lions, but the the Lions win. I'm there with wife #2 and Bobby, and when we get back to her folks' house, her dad's got a problem with the fact we left early (for Thanksgiving dinner). The pearl onion casserole was fantastic.
2.The Thanksgiving Parade with Ben when he was about 8. It was bitterly cold but fun. We went to Rocky's after and had a terrific meal. I remember it like it was yesterday.
3. My bother and I got aced out of the Thanksgiving game when my dad couldn't decide which of us to take and took our mom, who probably read a book at the game. The Lions beat the Packers. Gary and I later met Bruce Maher who was one of the game's heroes. I can't remember the food.
4. At the last minute a woman I was seeing showed up on Thanksgiving eve and that was...good.
5. 11/25/10: (This one could move up on the list), Good food, good conversation (in spite of a language barrier) and this particular woman knows how to dress for Thanksgiving Dinner. (If I'd had my camera..)
* Totally forgot about last Thanksgiving when Ben and I and Barry Rabe and his two sons did Thanksgiving sans any females. We ate turkey, macaroni and cheese, collard greens, and (I can't remember) pie in sweats and dirty t-shirts. We burped and farted on cue and watched football until basketball season started. It was terrific. The best part was when Barry's wife called from out of the country and he feebily tried to minimize what a great time we were all having. This Thanksgiving replaces #4 and vaults to #2, no question! (Thanks to Ben for the reminder).

Well Known Photographer and Raconteur, Rocky

My First Photo (thanks to Rocky and My I.T.genius, Jenny)

Panhandling

I regret having to do this, but since my young friend has questions about me being an actual WRITER, could some of you all send me a dollar to make this obvious lie legitimate? She apparently doubts the "professional" part of my claim. Thanks and for the record, I'm overlooking her cell phone violations.

Three Items of Interest

From today's KW Citizen. A meat-eating Argentine lizard is about to invade the Florida Keys. As was the case with the f****** iguanas, exotic pet owners have dumped the black and white tegu in S. Florida and now it's headed toward the Keys having been spotted as far south as Florida City. It resembles the monitor lizard which is scary in and of itself. It's a threat to small animals, has no natural predators, and can "out-compete" native species for it's food supply. Look the f*** out!
From Saturday's Citizen: The ferry coming back from the Dry Tortugas picked up 27 Cubans clinging to a life raft and floating plastic jugs 20 miles from Key West. As you may know, policy allows for Cubans who put a foot on dry land to be admitted to the country. If found in the water, however, the Cubans are returned to Cuba. The policy is called "Wet foot, dry foot." The whole experience documented in the news article was very emotional for the ferry passengers and the rescued Cubans. There is actually a beat up dinghy at the end of Boca Chica Rd. near my house which is a remnant of Cubans who successfully made it to shore a few years ago.
The third item is in reference to my first date in KW. I was elated that a young woman (half my age) agreed to have lunch with me on Sunday. She is from the Dominican Republic and absolutely illamativa. In addition, she's a cool dresser which counts for a lot. On the other hand, the fact that she spent half the lunch on the cell phone or texting was more than mildly irritating. The real problem was my schtick which does not translate well. My self-deprecating attempts at humor went over like lead (balloons, bullets, bombs, you pick). My jokes about having low self-esteem were equally off the mark. Needless to say,  when she found out I couldn't fish, fix stuff, and had virtually no real skills, the prospects for a 2nd date pretty much vanished. Oh well, back to the drawing board.

The Night Life Ain't No Good Life, But It's My Life

This reporter now thinks he was misleading about Key West. In spite of previous Fantasy Fest reports, it's really just a small town with a dash of quirky and a pinch of spicy. My entry into the community has been decidedly into the small town identity of the place. Until last night, that is. My good friend, Rocky, from Ann Arbor got to Key West on Sunday and we did the town on Monday night. We met some interesting people (two fallen Buddhists, for example - they believe in the death penalty). We ate some terrific seafood including some fancy raw tuna which was delicious. And then, well, I may have met Ms. Right. Her name is either Angelica or Angelina (the music was very loud). She really seemed to like me although our communication (due to a language barrier) was limited to body language (almost all of it hers). Due to her enthusiastic attempts to communicate and her obvious attraction to me, I generously reciprocated with dollar bills. And guess what? That solved the communication problem. With that out of the way, it's full speed ahead. As soon as I get my check, I'm going to look for her and who knows? Keep your schedules open!

Did I Peak Too Early?

As a function of age, I'm worried that today, 11/9/10, might have been impossible to beat.You know, if something really great occurs, one believes after age 42 that nothing like it could ever happen again.  At the state park beach there were more people than anytime since I've been down here (6 weeks now). The temperature was 75 degrees. The sun was bright. No clouds. On account of the time change, I was actually at the beach later than usual - by an hour - plus, I got there a little late. The sun was beyond my usual midday position so there was a real pretty shimmer on the water. I don't usually see pelicans at the beach but they were there today and kicking the asses of those sea gulls as far as getting optimum perching spots. The water was as brisk as Grand Traverse Bay when the wind is from the south - cold but great. I swam out to the buoy marking the swimming area - twice. In between I read two newspapers and successfully did both Sudoku puzzles.  Wow, what a day!

Widespread Panic

The radio DJ was in a tizzy on Friday when the weather report predicted that Sunday morning's low temperature would be 60 degrees. "I can't find my coat. Where did I leave my coat from last winter? I think I loaned it to someone who hasn't returned it." The wind has been strong from the north for the past three days and it's changed everything. The beach on Friday was occupied by mostly old folks bundled up and just feeding the sea gulls. There were a few very pale people sunning themselves. You just knew they were from some place up north. They needed sun and the 60's weren't that cold anyway. Sweats were the dominant attire on the walk along Smathers Beach. I thought it was an over reaction but it was probably a chance to wear something seldom used. On a tip I decided to sort my t-shirts into cold weather (heavy) and warm weather (light) piles. Thank goodness the weather and the corresponding adjustment in what to wear did not prevent me from determining whether an individual woman was callipygian or not. Years of experience and a particularly discerning eye.  

Sparky Anderson

Departing from the Key West theme to give props to my man, Sparky Anderson, who died on Thursday. I was introduced to him once and he could not have been nicer to me. I loved to hear him fracture the language, and I wish there were baseball guys like Sparky and Yogi in the game today to entertain us with their interviews. My very vivid memory is of Sparky at his managerial best. Tigers vs. Red Sox. Young Roger Clemens (in his prime) on the mound and mowing us down. Looks like there is no hope this day until Clemens walks a Tiger. There must have been no score. Clemens is worried about the runner and either throws over or makes a funky move to the plate. Anyway, Sparky flies out of the dugout and enters into a long tirade with the umpire about the balk move he thinks Clemens has committed. Sparky's one-sided argument goes on and on until he decides it's over. What happened next? You guessed it. Clemens can't find the plate. When he finally does, the Tigers jump on him and eventually win.

I was reminded of my favorite Sparky quote in a Free Press obituary. He had a tendency to hype young players and was frequently telling the fans that this or that young player was going to be the next Mickey Mantle. Well, a rookie makes the squad coming out of spring training (could be Torey Lovullo) and Sparky says, "If you don't like him, you don't like ice cream." That's how I felt about Sparky.

The Day After the Election.

Political upsets reached Key West yesterday. Here's the headline from today's (Wed.) Key West Citizen, "Bug Board Voting Bloc Busted." In a previous entry the significance of the Mosquito Control Board was mostly lost. It turns out this board is well scrutinized because of the mosquito problem in the Keys and its enormous budget. The newly elected member, Jack Bridges, "was quick to point out that (the executive director) who earns $184,000.00 a year, is the highest paid goverment administrator in the Keys and makes more than the governor of Florida." Mr. Bridges' election severs a voting bloc of 3 on the 5 member board headed by the executive director. Mr. Bridges did not immediately state whether he plans to advocate firing the executive director or simply lowering his salary to $130,000.00. All I know is I've got a bunch of bites on my legs. I'd be glad to direct the board for half of either those amounts.

Someone's going to Hell

There was an older fellow passing out readings from scripture in the middle of Duval St. threatening Hell as a consequence for participating in Fantasy Fest. I don't know. He could be right. I, personally, have always had a hard time with the sin/not-a-sin line so I'll defer to the guy or someone else who knows better, but it was wild and it was really fun. I took some pictures but when I looked at them later, they're pretty lame. Instead I'll refer anyone who cares to look up the multiple entries listed under Fantasy Fest 2010. The pictures are better and there are hundreds of them. What will be of interest is what happens now. Will there be lingering debauchery or did we get it all out of our system? Two items from the Key West Citizen will clue you in to what went on that I missed. The front page Sunday morning photo was of a float in last night's parade "The Booty Ranch" an "eco-friendly" bordello covered in recycled-plastic felt. There was also a photo of your friendly "Naked Realtor" an entry in the best headress contest. He was wearing an ornate and very tall headress and that was about it. Kind of funny to see a woman this morning riding her bike in a bikini with the remnants of last night's body paint visible and spilling out from under the swimsuit. Only 355 days to the 2011 F.F! 

Sparty On, Cowboy

If you just play along a little bit, I'll describe Wednesday night on Duval St. There were some interestings sitings. Only 2 were notable, however. The others, if you picture this: Imagine the guy you work next to walking down the stree in a dress and makeup. Or think about the female cashier at Meijers in jeweled or metallic pasties and a thong. There...that's what I'm talking about. I prefer to mention  the 2 best - a shirtless guy in a cowboy hat, black leather chaps and a Spartan green jockstrap. The real show-stopper was a cutie in a scanty red outfit trying (mostly unsuccessfully) to ride her bike down Duval in high heels. It was pretty funny and gave me and others a reason to stare. You can guess her hair color if you want. The Green Parrot was the hottest place with great music and a spill-over crowd out into the street. Without warning some showers started up and it was time to go watch the World Series and the Key Lime Pie battle between the Blonde Giraffe and Blue Heaven on the Travel Channel. The winner - The Blonde Giraffe although I'm told by locals Kermit's should have been in the contest and would have won.

Monday Night on Duval Street

I had a chance to talk to a 17 year veteran of Fantasy Fest. He gave me the following pertinent information. There is a famous movie star who lives here and owns an establishment. She's a certified freak and her place is a focal point of all freak activities. That was noteworthy, then he said he would categorize the attendees in the following groups: 1. Voyeurs (that would be the group I belong in). 2. Plain old people who like to party (it's easy to see they're all over). 3. Hard core freaks (swingers and folks of that ilk). While we were talking he pointed out some folks he is acquainted with who were headed to the movie star's place for freakiness. Then, your correspondent saw his first "body art" person at Cowboy Billy's. At first I thought the art was too good to be paint, but it was paint. Now the flip side of all this is that there are people who intend to participate who should not. Me, for example, I'm not going to get painted up. I'm afraid, however, that the folks who should show restraint aren't going to. Oh well, who am I? Some kind of critic?

It's Body Art, Knucklehead

It's all right. I'm the same way. You want the prurient details of the opening of Fantasy Fest. Well, here are the highlights. 1. A guy in a well decorated motorized wheelchair rolling down the street with the Four Seasons' song, "Walk Like a Man" playing repeatedly on his boom box. 2. A young lady in a gold lame swimsuit riding by on a motor scooter. 3.Outstanding looking food in great quantities in the Goombay festival in Bahama Village. 4. Reggae and rap playing on every corner in the Bahama Village. 5. A large crowd gathered outside the Drag Asylum watching the costumes of those going into the joint. 6.When I inquired where I might best see the, uh, you know, people who have painted bodies, the young lady with the Russian accent said, "Oh, the body art? You can see that every night." 7. (Not a highlight) I've seen the "I (heart) to fart"  t-shirts before in store windows. Now, I've seen someone wearing one.

Key West Cemetery

Yesterday I went on a tour of the Key West cemetery with 5 other people including a preservationist from the city. The tour was pretty interesting for several reasons. The cemetery is located at the highest point on the island (16') known as Solares Hill. It was relocated from an area near Higgs Beach after the previous site of the graves was damaged during a hurricane. My interest in this subject area started after visiting the Elmwood Cemetery in Memphis, Tenn. at the suggestion of someone. The diverse group of folks buried there (both Union and Confederate soldiers, for example) was the attraction for me. Of course Key West has a vast group of characters in the cemetery. "Sloppy Joe" Russell, the famous barkeep and fishing guide to Hemingway is one. I was interested in seeing the grave marker for Pearl Roberts, a well-known hypochondriac, which reads, "I told you I was sick." There were several markers of Cubans including notable artists and revolutionaries. Two folks on the tour have traveled to cemeteries all over. They've been to London, Paris, New Orleans. They've seen the graves of Jim Morrison and many famous blues artists. The city guide provided information on the restoration efforts of many of the grave sites. It was a cool way to take in the history of Key West especially the idea that eccentrics have always been here.

Animals, revisited

Okay, I admit I was wrong about those f***** iguanas. They're no picnic. According to my sources they were accidentally introduced into the ecosystem down here by a disgruntled iguana-as-a-pet owner. And they've multiplied big-time. They apparently have no known predators (besides me). So, my iguana who poses daily outside and some days looks gray and some days looks green is nothing but a poop machine. As I cleaned up the yard the other day, I realized he/she is way worse than a dog, in terms of poop volume, and can't even wag it's 2 foot tail. Today as I complained to my 79 year old neighbor, we entered into a contract. She has never cared for the bastards and says she will gladly use her pellet gun on the culprit if she sees him/her. Problem solved, I hope. As far as those f****** geckos are concerned, well, I grabbed one by the tail to give it a fling and the tail broke off. It scampered away minus the tail. Back to the drawing board on that. I'll never buy that car insurance. In real life, they're really not cute. Those experiences plus the fish who speared the innocent kayaker, I'm not going to be bonding with nature like I thought.  

The Key West Citizen

There is no doubt that The Citizen is the greatest newspaper in the history of journalism. Today's entry comes entirely from today's Citizen.
Item #1: "Kayaker Airlifted After Fish Strike." A woman had her lung punctured over the weekend when "a long slender fish slammed into her rib cage knocking her out of a two-person kayak." Makes you think twice all you kayakers, doesn't it?
Item #2: "Monroe County Sheriff's Office Seeks Suspect Who May Have Slept In Church." Good thing my dad didn't live in Monroe County.
Item #3: From the Citizen's Voice where you can call in or email comments to the paper. "Heaven Forbid We Lose the Whiny Snowbirds." and "Chickens Do Not Eat Scorpions {scorpions are too large}..Do the Math."
Item #4: "Monroe County Correction Officer Arrested On Battery Charge." This is the 4th officer arrested or disciplined (per the paper) since I've been here - 3 weeks. By the way, she has two previous disciplinary actions in her file as well as one letter of commendation. She has received a reprimand for allowing a prisoner to braid her hair.
There... now you won't have to buy today's paper and I won't have to think of something to write.

Four Days and Counting

I admit I'm getting a little nervous. I'm a simple guy from the Midwest who, by happenstance, has been thrust into an outrageous festival which attracts freaky people from all over. Everyone is talking about it. I was talking to a retired scool teacher this morning who was providing me with a list of highlighted events I shouldn't miss. My neighbors are 79 and 80 years old. they told me they wouldn't miss it for the world.They also were worried about my sensibilities and cautioned that I might see things I wouldn't be prepared for. As I looked around at the post office, at the cafe, at the walk along Smathers Beach, and at the state park, I was suspicious of everyone I saw. Is that couple going to participate? Why are those folks here this time of year? And finally, am I the only normal person down here? I'll know in a few days.

And on another topic, I remember this fish I read about from the Amazon River, a candiru - a type of catfish which is more feared than piranhas. It has been known to swim up the urethra of someone who urinates in the river and then because of these spines it has must be surgically removed. You can guess why I thought of that, but it was an accident.

Minimum Standards

I'm familiar with a phrase "minimum standards" because it was used by the Feds to measure one's qualifications for the job I used to have. In the past I have railed against celebrities and other people whose assignment was to throw out the first pitch at a ballgame. When one or another of these bush leaguers goes to the mound (not really the mound - they let them throw from about 40') and bounces the ball to the plate before a game, it really grinds me. I actually had a chance to accuse a radio DJ of a poor effort at a Tigers game this year when he walked by my seat laughing because his toss landed 10' in front of the plate. A 30' throw? He was a grown ass man!  Well anyway, today at Zachary Taylor Beach 4 young men brought out a frisbee. And you should have seen these yoyos try to fly a frisbee to one another. I'm thinking, "You're coming to a world class destination (Key West) with no skills - none whatsoever." It was embarrassing for me and hundreds of beach goers to watch. Bottom line is don't go to throw out the first pitch without preparing and don't come to Key West to practice your frisbee toss. Practice first! Need lessons? Contact my brother, Gary, one of the best I ever saw. But we're not talking about being great, just adequate. Be able to get the ball to the plate and be able to fly a frisbee to your friend. There have to be minimum standards for these things!

Weather Report

Holy Shit! It really knows how to rain down here. I'm in my 7th decade of life (as I was reminded by someone lately) and I've never seen rain like this. Of course being a northern fella I use the the rain- to-snow formula and try to calculate how much snow this would be up north. For example, yesterday it rained 8" in Marathon (35 miles north of here). My calculator tells me that's the equivalent of 5 1/2 feet of snow if the temperature was 50 degrees cooler. Wow! Instead the radio guy says that owing to the fact that Hurricane Paula is stretching across Cuba now (90 miles to the south), I should climb my coconut tree and cut down the coconuts so they won't fall on me, my car, or little children. I'm leaving them there and hope they conk out a few geckos when Paula strikes. Reminds me of a Paula I knew, but that's a long story for another time.

"It's the Politics, Baby"

In yesterday's Key West Citizen there was an announcement that Jack Bridges will be interviewed today on the local radio station. He's a candidate (independent) for the Florida Keys Mosquito Control Board in District 5. I was curious about the existence of such a board but more about it's members having to be elected to the office, so, I did some very limited research. Apparently the Republican candidate is for mosquitos - especially those that carry disease. The Democratic candidate has proposed a program in which neutered mosquitos are introduced into the current bug population so that they can't reproduce. Of course he wants the program to be federally funded. So far, I haven't been able to find out what Mr. Bridges' platform is. Stay tuned.

The Crime Report and an Unspeakable Incident

From Monday's Key West Citizen, "Crime Report." "A naked man sleeping at Higgs Beach after a reported political convention at a nearby restaurant was arrested early Friday morning on misdemeanor trespassing charges." Police woke the 46-year-old homeless man, who was sleeping under a blanket, around 12:37 am and found him 'totally naked...'

In an unrelated matter: There are some things I lack the language skills and the descritive powers to convey. I must leave it your collective and individual imaginations to picture what I am unable to write about. I know some of you individually will go further than the actual event owing to your imaginations being a little too fertile. Some of you, however, will get it just right and will know what it is I am unable to put into words.

Big News Stories in Key West

Well apparently it's been tried before, but this time they (the authorities) really mean it. Warnings are being issued about public nudity during the Fantasy Fest. Not toplessness, that's still okay. It's full nudity that will not be tolerated this year. And heck, that's why I'm here.
The other noteworthy story in today's paper concerned the use of outside showers, bathtubs, and toilets in Key West particularly in the Old Town section where space is at a premium. If you're from Michigan, don't try this at home.

And a big Happy Birthday shout out to the triplets: Jack, Ryan, and that darling Brookie who are now 2!

Animal Life - The A List

With apologies to commenter, Moses, who might object, I've divided animals in Key West to those I like, the A List and those I don't.

A:
Dogs (except pit bulls and there's one down the road).
Iguanas
All birds especially pelicans
Chickens (saw one come out of Sandy's Cafe yesterday - probably an escape)
Dragonflies and butterflies
All fish including sharks

Not on the A List:
Cats - even ones with 6 toes (there's a feral cat under my house).
Geckos
Snakes (All)
All bugs
Monkeys (if I ever see one)

Best sign I've seen, "Help prevent scurvy. Eat Key Lime Pie."

My Training Regimen - How It's Going

Fantasy Fest is still two weeks away. The theme this year is, "Habitat for Insanity." Well, anyway, I'm like those hicks from the country who go to Chicago and keep pointing up at the tall buildings, "Look at that one. Wow, look at that one." So yesterday at the walk along Smathers Beach there is an old guy (my age?) riding, as slow as one can ride a bike, in a white thong. My first experience seeing a male in a real thong.(Look at that!). Then, and remember I knew the hot pants era, a young female runner goes by in what would be a fraction (1/3) of a hot pants. (Look, look at that). Finally as I'm coming home from town last night and near the Bayview Park, a male runner clad only in a red sombrero, red shorts, and a lighted, flashing belt goes by. Spectators hoot and holler as he waves to the crowd. He must be a regular attraction. (Look). I can say right now I'm not nearly ready for the main event. I've got to do a better job of preparing.

The Sporting Life

Yesterday on my way to see some key deer (I didn't see any), I took a wrong turn and drove down to a secluded beach. The wind was whipping at a steady 20 mph pretty much all day. So, I happened on some kiteboarders. I'd never seen kiteboarders in person and it was awesome. A young gal says to me, "You should try it. It's really fun!" I told her I was having fun watching, but on the way home I started thinking, "Why not? Why not break out of the box and try something completely different - maybe when Ben comes down to visit?  Maybe I'll try kiteboarding." Well upon arriving home I'm anxious to try Rocky's bike. I'd just put a new tire on and I'm going to give it a spin - my first bike ride in many years. Not much later, while picking myself up out of the gravel, I reconsidered the young lady's generous offer to try kiteboarding.

Animal Life So Far

Thanks to my new Audubon Guide to Florida I can now identify some of what I've been seeing in the last week. At Bahia Honda State Park - 3 spotted eagle rays, a 4/5 foot shark, not sure what kind, a loggerhead turtle. At the pier by Higgs Beach - a large school of trumpetfish (pencil thin, blue/green) swimming just inches from the surface. Also a smaller school of colorful sergeant majors. In the backyard which borders a canal tarpon roll near the surface nearly every afternoon. A 3/4 foot (including tail) iguana suns herself just about every day. The cutest animal siting, though, is the dog across the canal who closely watches the surface of the canal to spot fish breaking the surface. His head turns back and forth trying to catch the culprit at which he then barks. Of course, I'm watching the dog watch for fish and getting a kick out of it. By the way, geckos aren't as cute in real life as they are on tv. And they're everywhere. I love watching the brown pelicans when they're in action cruising low across open water looking to make a snatch. What I haven't seen in three trips down here are key deer. Today I'm going to the observation area for that reason.

Music On The Trip Down (Top 5)

#1 Most of the Time, Bob Dylan (lyrics included)

Most of the time
I'm clear focused all around
Most of the time
I can keep both feet on the ground
I can follow the path
I can read the sign
Stay right with it when the road unwinds
I can handle whatever
I stumble upon
I don't even notice she's gone
Most of the time.

Most of the time it's well understood
Most of the time I wouldn't change it if I could
I can make it all match up
I can hold my own
I can deal with the situation right down to the bone
I can survive and I can endure
And I don't even think about her
Most of the time.

Most of the time my head is on straight
Most of the time I'm strong enough not to hate
I don't build up illusion 'til it makes me sick
I ain't afraid of confusion no matter how thick
I can smile in the face of mankind
Don't even remember what her lips felt like on mine
Most of the time.

Most of the time she ain't even in my mind
I wouldn't know her if I saw her
She's that far behind
Most of the time I can even be sure
If she was ever with me
Or if I was ever with her
Most of the time I'm halfway content
Most of the time I know exactly where it went
I don't cheat on myself I don't run and hide
Hide from the feelings that are buried inside
I don't compromise and I don't pretend
I don't even care if I ever see her again
Most of the time.

#2 Going Down South, N. Mississippi All Stars
#3 Have a Little Faith in Me, D. McClinton
#4 The Road Goes On Forever (But The Party Never Ends), R. E. Keen
#5 I'm Wrong About Everything, J. W. Harding

 

Tech Support and Early Impressions

Entries composed with two fingers take time. I arrived in Key West Tues., 9/28. Got wired on Fri., 10/1. Called tech support, my friend Jenny, on 10/2 and 10/3. Finally accessed the site today with her help, of course. Highlights so far include meeting my could-have-been roommate (lets call her Vivian to protect her anonymity), listening to four different languages being spoken at the beach within earshot of me, and becoming aware of  the attractive colors down here. The people in Key West, the locals, come in a wide variety of colors. A lot of  houses are painted in pastels. The view from the railway bridge at Bahia Honda State Park yesterday was a sweet combination of green and blue - water and sky. Even the house I'm renting is so much more colorful than I'm used to - both inside and out. I'm definitely vowing to get in touch with color when I get back to Michigan  - starting with a new color tv at the very least. I'm also planning to prepare more colorful food than those same gray brats I've been used to eating. Basically, it's day 5 and I'm feeling the changes a little bit.

Goodbye Michigan!

I-75 here I come!