Someone's going to Hell

There was an older fellow passing out readings from scripture in the middle of Duval St. threatening Hell as a consequence for participating in Fantasy Fest. I don't know. He could be right. I, personally, have always had a hard time with the sin/not-a-sin line so I'll defer to the guy or someone else who knows better, but it was wild and it was really fun. I took some pictures but when I looked at them later, they're pretty lame. Instead I'll refer anyone who cares to look up the multiple entries listed under Fantasy Fest 2010. The pictures are better and there are hundreds of them. What will be of interest is what happens now. Will there be lingering debauchery or did we get it all out of our system? Two items from the Key West Citizen will clue you in to what went on that I missed. The front page Sunday morning photo was of a float in last night's parade "The Booty Ranch" an "eco-friendly" bordello covered in recycled-plastic felt. There was also a photo of your friendly "Naked Realtor" an entry in the best headress contest. He was wearing an ornate and very tall headress and that was about it. Kind of funny to see a woman this morning riding her bike in a bikini with the remnants of last night's body paint visible and spilling out from under the swimsuit. Only 355 days to the 2011 F.F! 

Sparty On, Cowboy

If you just play along a little bit, I'll describe Wednesday night on Duval St. There were some interestings sitings. Only 2 were notable, however. The others, if you picture this: Imagine the guy you work next to walking down the stree in a dress and makeup. Or think about the female cashier at Meijers in jeweled or metallic pasties and a thong. There...that's what I'm talking about. I prefer to mention  the 2 best - a shirtless guy in a cowboy hat, black leather chaps and a Spartan green jockstrap. The real show-stopper was a cutie in a scanty red outfit trying (mostly unsuccessfully) to ride her bike down Duval in high heels. It was pretty funny and gave me and others a reason to stare. You can guess her hair color if you want. The Green Parrot was the hottest place with great music and a spill-over crowd out into the street. Without warning some showers started up and it was time to go watch the World Series and the Key Lime Pie battle between the Blonde Giraffe and Blue Heaven on the Travel Channel. The winner - The Blonde Giraffe although I'm told by locals Kermit's should have been in the contest and would have won.

Monday Night on Duval Street

I had a chance to talk to a 17 year veteran of Fantasy Fest. He gave me the following pertinent information. There is a famous movie star who lives here and owns an establishment. She's a certified freak and her place is a focal point of all freak activities. That was noteworthy, then he said he would categorize the attendees in the following groups: 1. Voyeurs (that would be the group I belong in). 2. Plain old people who like to party (it's easy to see they're all over). 3. Hard core freaks (swingers and folks of that ilk). While we were talking he pointed out some folks he is acquainted with who were headed to the movie star's place for freakiness. Then, your correspondent saw his first "body art" person at Cowboy Billy's. At first I thought the art was too good to be paint, but it was paint. Now the flip side of all this is that there are people who intend to participate who should not. Me, for example, I'm not going to get painted up. I'm afraid, however, that the folks who should show restraint aren't going to. Oh well, who am I? Some kind of critic?

It's Body Art, Knucklehead

It's all right. I'm the same way. You want the prurient details of the opening of Fantasy Fest. Well, here are the highlights. 1. A guy in a well decorated motorized wheelchair rolling down the street with the Four Seasons' song, "Walk Like a Man" playing repeatedly on his boom box. 2. A young lady in a gold lame swimsuit riding by on a motor scooter. 3.Outstanding looking food in great quantities in the Goombay festival in Bahama Village. 4. Reggae and rap playing on every corner in the Bahama Village. 5. A large crowd gathered outside the Drag Asylum watching the costumes of those going into the joint. 6.When I inquired where I might best see the, uh, you know, people who have painted bodies, the young lady with the Russian accent said, "Oh, the body art? You can see that every night." 7. (Not a highlight) I've seen the "I (heart) to fart"  t-shirts before in store windows. Now, I've seen someone wearing one.

Key West Cemetery

Yesterday I went on a tour of the Key West cemetery with 5 other people including a preservationist from the city. The tour was pretty interesting for several reasons. The cemetery is located at the highest point on the island (16') known as Solares Hill. It was relocated from an area near Higgs Beach after the previous site of the graves was damaged during a hurricane. My interest in this subject area started after visiting the Elmwood Cemetery in Memphis, Tenn. at the suggestion of someone. The diverse group of folks buried there (both Union and Confederate soldiers, for example) was the attraction for me. Of course Key West has a vast group of characters in the cemetery. "Sloppy Joe" Russell, the famous barkeep and fishing guide to Hemingway is one. I was interested in seeing the grave marker for Pearl Roberts, a well-known hypochondriac, which reads, "I told you I was sick." There were several markers of Cubans including notable artists and revolutionaries. Two folks on the tour have traveled to cemeteries all over. They've been to London, Paris, New Orleans. They've seen the graves of Jim Morrison and many famous blues artists. The city guide provided information on the restoration efforts of many of the grave sites. It was a cool way to take in the history of Key West especially the idea that eccentrics have always been here.

Animals, revisited

Okay, I admit I was wrong about those f***** iguanas. They're no picnic. According to my sources they were accidentally introduced into the ecosystem down here by a disgruntled iguana-as-a-pet owner. And they've multiplied big-time. They apparently have no known predators (besides me). So, my iguana who poses daily outside and some days looks gray and some days looks green is nothing but a poop machine. As I cleaned up the yard the other day, I realized he/she is way worse than a dog, in terms of poop volume, and can't even wag it's 2 foot tail. Today as I complained to my 79 year old neighbor, we entered into a contract. She has never cared for the bastards and says she will gladly use her pellet gun on the culprit if she sees him/her. Problem solved, I hope. As far as those f****** geckos are concerned, well, I grabbed one by the tail to give it a fling and the tail broke off. It scampered away minus the tail. Back to the drawing board on that. I'll never buy that car insurance. In real life, they're really not cute. Those experiences plus the fish who speared the innocent kayaker, I'm not going to be bonding with nature like I thought.  

The Key West Citizen

There is no doubt that The Citizen is the greatest newspaper in the history of journalism. Today's entry comes entirely from today's Citizen.
Item #1: "Kayaker Airlifted After Fish Strike." A woman had her lung punctured over the weekend when "a long slender fish slammed into her rib cage knocking her out of a two-person kayak." Makes you think twice all you kayakers, doesn't it?
Item #2: "Monroe County Sheriff's Office Seeks Suspect Who May Have Slept In Church." Good thing my dad didn't live in Monroe County.
Item #3: From the Citizen's Voice where you can call in or email comments to the paper. "Heaven Forbid We Lose the Whiny Snowbirds." and "Chickens Do Not Eat Scorpions {scorpions are too large}..Do the Math."
Item #4: "Monroe County Correction Officer Arrested On Battery Charge." This is the 4th officer arrested or disciplined (per the paper) since I've been here - 3 weeks. By the way, she has two previous disciplinary actions in her file as well as one letter of commendation. She has received a reprimand for allowing a prisoner to braid her hair.
There... now you won't have to buy today's paper and I won't have to think of something to write.

Four Days and Counting

I admit I'm getting a little nervous. I'm a simple guy from the Midwest who, by happenstance, has been thrust into an outrageous festival which attracts freaky people from all over. Everyone is talking about it. I was talking to a retired scool teacher this morning who was providing me with a list of highlighted events I shouldn't miss. My neighbors are 79 and 80 years old. they told me they wouldn't miss it for the world.They also were worried about my sensibilities and cautioned that I might see things I wouldn't be prepared for. As I looked around at the post office, at the cafe, at the walk along Smathers Beach, and at the state park, I was suspicious of everyone I saw. Is that couple going to participate? Why are those folks here this time of year? And finally, am I the only normal person down here? I'll know in a few days.

And on another topic, I remember this fish I read about from the Amazon River, a candiru - a type of catfish which is more feared than piranhas. It has been known to swim up the urethra of someone who urinates in the river and then because of these spines it has must be surgically removed. You can guess why I thought of that, but it was an accident.

Minimum Standards

I'm familiar with a phrase "minimum standards" because it was used by the Feds to measure one's qualifications for the job I used to have. In the past I have railed against celebrities and other people whose assignment was to throw out the first pitch at a ballgame. When one or another of these bush leaguers goes to the mound (not really the mound - they let them throw from about 40') and bounces the ball to the plate before a game, it really grinds me. I actually had a chance to accuse a radio DJ of a poor effort at a Tigers game this year when he walked by my seat laughing because his toss landed 10' in front of the plate. A 30' throw? He was a grown ass man!  Well anyway, today at Zachary Taylor Beach 4 young men brought out a frisbee. And you should have seen these yoyos try to fly a frisbee to one another. I'm thinking, "You're coming to a world class destination (Key West) with no skills - none whatsoever." It was embarrassing for me and hundreds of beach goers to watch. Bottom line is don't go to throw out the first pitch without preparing and don't come to Key West to practice your frisbee toss. Practice first! Need lessons? Contact my brother, Gary, one of the best I ever saw. But we're not talking about being great, just adequate. Be able to get the ball to the plate and be able to fly a frisbee to your friend. There have to be minimum standards for these things!

Weather Report

Holy Shit! It really knows how to rain down here. I'm in my 7th decade of life (as I was reminded by someone lately) and I've never seen rain like this. Of course being a northern fella I use the the rain- to-snow formula and try to calculate how much snow this would be up north. For example, yesterday it rained 8" in Marathon (35 miles north of here). My calculator tells me that's the equivalent of 5 1/2 feet of snow if the temperature was 50 degrees cooler. Wow! Instead the radio guy says that owing to the fact that Hurricane Paula is stretching across Cuba now (90 miles to the south), I should climb my coconut tree and cut down the coconuts so they won't fall on me, my car, or little children. I'm leaving them there and hope they conk out a few geckos when Paula strikes. Reminds me of a Paula I knew, but that's a long story for another time.

"It's the Politics, Baby"

In yesterday's Key West Citizen there was an announcement that Jack Bridges will be interviewed today on the local radio station. He's a candidate (independent) for the Florida Keys Mosquito Control Board in District 5. I was curious about the existence of such a board but more about it's members having to be elected to the office, so, I did some very limited research. Apparently the Republican candidate is for mosquitos - especially those that carry disease. The Democratic candidate has proposed a program in which neutered mosquitos are introduced into the current bug population so that they can't reproduce. Of course he wants the program to be federally funded. So far, I haven't been able to find out what Mr. Bridges' platform is. Stay tuned.

The Crime Report and an Unspeakable Incident

From Monday's Key West Citizen, "Crime Report." "A naked man sleeping at Higgs Beach after a reported political convention at a nearby restaurant was arrested early Friday morning on misdemeanor trespassing charges." Police woke the 46-year-old homeless man, who was sleeping under a blanket, around 12:37 am and found him 'totally naked...'

In an unrelated matter: There are some things I lack the language skills and the descritive powers to convey. I must leave it your collective and individual imaginations to picture what I am unable to write about. I know some of you individually will go further than the actual event owing to your imaginations being a little too fertile. Some of you, however, will get it just right and will know what it is I am unable to put into words.

Big News Stories in Key West

Well apparently it's been tried before, but this time they (the authorities) really mean it. Warnings are being issued about public nudity during the Fantasy Fest. Not toplessness, that's still okay. It's full nudity that will not be tolerated this year. And heck, that's why I'm here.
The other noteworthy story in today's paper concerned the use of outside showers, bathtubs, and toilets in Key West particularly in the Old Town section where space is at a premium. If you're from Michigan, don't try this at home.

And a big Happy Birthday shout out to the triplets: Jack, Ryan, and that darling Brookie who are now 2!

Animal Life - The A List

With apologies to commenter, Moses, who might object, I've divided animals in Key West to those I like, the A List and those I don't.

A:
Dogs (except pit bulls and there's one down the road).
Iguanas
All birds especially pelicans
Chickens (saw one come out of Sandy's Cafe yesterday - probably an escape)
Dragonflies and butterflies
All fish including sharks

Not on the A List:
Cats - even ones with 6 toes (there's a feral cat under my house).
Geckos
Snakes (All)
All bugs
Monkeys (if I ever see one)

Best sign I've seen, "Help prevent scurvy. Eat Key Lime Pie."

My Training Regimen - How It's Going

Fantasy Fest is still two weeks away. The theme this year is, "Habitat for Insanity." Well, anyway, I'm like those hicks from the country who go to Chicago and keep pointing up at the tall buildings, "Look at that one. Wow, look at that one." So yesterday at the walk along Smathers Beach there is an old guy (my age?) riding, as slow as one can ride a bike, in a white thong. My first experience seeing a male in a real thong.(Look at that!). Then, and remember I knew the hot pants era, a young female runner goes by in what would be a fraction (1/3) of a hot pants. (Look, look at that). Finally as I'm coming home from town last night and near the Bayview Park, a male runner clad only in a red sombrero, red shorts, and a lighted, flashing belt goes by. Spectators hoot and holler as he waves to the crowd. He must be a regular attraction. (Look). I can say right now I'm not nearly ready for the main event. I've got to do a better job of preparing.

The Sporting Life

Yesterday on my way to see some key deer (I didn't see any), I took a wrong turn and drove down to a secluded beach. The wind was whipping at a steady 20 mph pretty much all day. So, I happened on some kiteboarders. I'd never seen kiteboarders in person and it was awesome. A young gal says to me, "You should try it. It's really fun!" I told her I was having fun watching, but on the way home I started thinking, "Why not? Why not break out of the box and try something completely different - maybe when Ben comes down to visit?  Maybe I'll try kiteboarding." Well upon arriving home I'm anxious to try Rocky's bike. I'd just put a new tire on and I'm going to give it a spin - my first bike ride in many years. Not much later, while picking myself up out of the gravel, I reconsidered the young lady's generous offer to try kiteboarding.

Animal Life So Far

Thanks to my new Audubon Guide to Florida I can now identify some of what I've been seeing in the last week. At Bahia Honda State Park - 3 spotted eagle rays, a 4/5 foot shark, not sure what kind, a loggerhead turtle. At the pier by Higgs Beach - a large school of trumpetfish (pencil thin, blue/green) swimming just inches from the surface. Also a smaller school of colorful sergeant majors. In the backyard which borders a canal tarpon roll near the surface nearly every afternoon. A 3/4 foot (including tail) iguana suns herself just about every day. The cutest animal siting, though, is the dog across the canal who closely watches the surface of the canal to spot fish breaking the surface. His head turns back and forth trying to catch the culprit at which he then barks. Of course, I'm watching the dog watch for fish and getting a kick out of it. By the way, geckos aren't as cute in real life as they are on tv. And they're everywhere. I love watching the brown pelicans when they're in action cruising low across open water looking to make a snatch. What I haven't seen in three trips down here are key deer. Today I'm going to the observation area for that reason.

Music On The Trip Down (Top 5)

#1 Most of the Time, Bob Dylan (lyrics included)

Most of the time
I'm clear focused all around
Most of the time
I can keep both feet on the ground
I can follow the path
I can read the sign
Stay right with it when the road unwinds
I can handle whatever
I stumble upon
I don't even notice she's gone
Most of the time.

Most of the time it's well understood
Most of the time I wouldn't change it if I could
I can make it all match up
I can hold my own
I can deal with the situation right down to the bone
I can survive and I can endure
And I don't even think about her
Most of the time.

Most of the time my head is on straight
Most of the time I'm strong enough not to hate
I don't build up illusion 'til it makes me sick
I ain't afraid of confusion no matter how thick
I can smile in the face of mankind
Don't even remember what her lips felt like on mine
Most of the time.

Most of the time she ain't even in my mind
I wouldn't know her if I saw her
She's that far behind
Most of the time I can even be sure
If she was ever with me
Or if I was ever with her
Most of the time I'm halfway content
Most of the time I know exactly where it went
I don't cheat on myself I don't run and hide
Hide from the feelings that are buried inside
I don't compromise and I don't pretend
I don't even care if I ever see her again
Most of the time.

#2 Going Down South, N. Mississippi All Stars
#3 Have a Little Faith in Me, D. McClinton
#4 The Road Goes On Forever (But The Party Never Ends), R. E. Keen
#5 I'm Wrong About Everything, J. W. Harding

 

Tech Support and Early Impressions

Entries composed with two fingers take time. I arrived in Key West Tues., 9/28. Got wired on Fri., 10/1. Called tech support, my friend Jenny, on 10/2 and 10/3. Finally accessed the site today with her help, of course. Highlights so far include meeting my could-have-been roommate (lets call her Vivian to protect her anonymity), listening to four different languages being spoken at the beach within earshot of me, and becoming aware of  the attractive colors down here. The people in Key West, the locals, come in a wide variety of colors. A lot of  houses are painted in pastels. The view from the railway bridge at Bahia Honda State Park yesterday was a sweet combination of green and blue - water and sky. Even the house I'm renting is so much more colorful than I'm used to - both inside and out. I'm definitely vowing to get in touch with color when I get back to Michigan  - starting with a new color tv at the very least. I'm also planning to prepare more colorful food than those same gray brats I've been used to eating. Basically, it's day 5 and I'm feeling the changes a little bit.