The Key West Citizen

There is no doubt that The Citizen is the greatest newspaper in the history of journalism. Today's entry comes entirely from today's Citizen.
Item #1: "Kayaker Airlifted After Fish Strike." A woman had her lung punctured over the weekend when "a long slender fish slammed into her rib cage knocking her out of a two-person kayak." Makes you think twice all you kayakers, doesn't it?
Item #2: "Monroe County Sheriff's Office Seeks Suspect Who May Have Slept In Church." Good thing my dad didn't live in Monroe County.
Item #3: From the Citizen's Voice where you can call in or email comments to the paper. "Heaven Forbid We Lose the Whiny Snowbirds." and "Chickens Do Not Eat Scorpions {scorpions are too large}..Do the Math."
Item #4: "Monroe County Correction Officer Arrested On Battery Charge." This is the 4th officer arrested or disciplined (per the paper) since I've been here - 3 weeks. By the way, she has two previous disciplinary actions in her file as well as one letter of commendation. She has received a reprimand for allowing a prisoner to braid her hair.
There... now you won't have to buy today's paper and I won't have to think of something to write.